Have U Seen My Missing Emoticons?!

File under “NBD just solving the worlds problems today”


I love Emoji emoticons more than lots of stuff and use them with an enthusiasm that may border on abuse. Twinkly hearts and slyly smiling heads and palm trees and ice cream cones season the majority of my text communication. Several years ago Google and Apple even thoughtfully lobbied to have Emoji incorporated into the Unicode standard for computer-based communications, and I’ve been emailing footballs and crossed-eye faces ¬†and clapping hands ever since. BUT(T)! In a few key areas I have found Emoji’s emoticons to be woefully lacking, and have a few serious suggestions for the Unicode homies who are in charge of this stuff.


  1. Tacos! Because the burger doesn’t always cut it, and I eat tacos 700% more frequently. Like, I’m just constantly eating tacos and texting about eating tacos.
  2. Vinyl record. Because there are TWO compact disc emoji and a fucking fax machine but no record. How am I supposed to compose a rebus-style Emoji story about DJing on Saturday without a record emoticon?
  3. A butt. Global worship of the butt has been in ascendance for at least a few years now and is reaching fever pitch. The people need a butt Emoji! It could even have pants on, IDC. With all the hands and mouths the possibilities for cartoonishly suggestive sexts are already good, but the introduction of a butt emoticon would be a vast improvement. I’ve tried using the salmon ngiri a few times but it’s just doesn’t feel quite right, and I hate having to explain that salmon ngiri = a butt.