5 Reasons Why Everyone Must to Stop Writing Lists of Reasons

File under “Rants not chants”


If I see another posting titled “12 Words You Need to Stop Saying Now” or “35 Things Successful People Don’t Do” (huh?) I am going to light the Internet on fire. Just like titling a blog post “Most Inspiring _____ (kitten/puppy/bunny/sick child/poor person) Video You’ll See All Week,”  the numbered list title conceit is being abused by Interneters everywhere because every other Interneter on Earth (myself included) can’t help clicking on it. 


Every single fucking day, dozens of attractively listy articles clog my Facebook newsfeed (get off Facebook!) (I know! But I wont!) Whenever I succumb to the charming allure of “84 Things You Need To Do Right Now to be Truly Happy” or “6 Reasons He’ll Never Ask You Out” by the end I feel empty, like I just watched Monuments Men or five minutes of CNN. The hackey writing and nonsensical content have said exactly nothing, clearly having been whipped up in some marketing strategy vitamix and then squished into shape to fit the clever, click-attracting title. I want this trend to go away, and have composed a list of 5 compelling reasons why errybody should cut it out:

  1. I don’t care
  2. I don’t care
  3. I don’t care
  4. I don’t care
  5. Stop telling me what to do